Memories

It has been almost 8 months since we lost Mimi, but some days, the sadness is so fresh. The other night Wesley and I were talking about our upcoming trip to Orlando. We were discussing finances and what we will need when we get there. I don't know where it came from, but my first thought when thinking about Jackson and Philip's souvenir money was "Oh, we don't have to budget for that. Mimi will send them some “Peanut Butter money” for them to use on the trip."

I just started crying, and Wesley hugged me as I cried myself to sleep. 

Mimi was in so much pain the last few days of her life I wanted the end to come quickly. I let myself get caught up in ending the pain that I forgot to just be sad about the fact she was leaving us.

I am not the only one. My mom has been through a lot as she has dealt with the reality of losing her mother all while trying to be strong for Papa, Uncle Melvin and the rest of us. 

A few weeks ago, she sent Susan, Emily and me an e-mail. I asked if I could share it here because it is a great recap of grieving and celebrating a life well lived:

I wanted to fill you in on my day yesterday.  I know my days are usually boring compared to yours, but it was one of the most emotional (perhaps healing) days of my life. I learned a lot about myself, relationships, life and death.

Drubby had a difficult afternoon, confused about doctors' appointments, etc.  At supper, he asked me the same question he has asked so many times, "What are we going to do with all these things?"  Usually I say, "What do you want to do?" and he just shrugs.  Last night, he said, "Let's get started."

We began at the desk in the den.  If you recall there are many pictures and we started going through them.  I believe your grandmother kept every piece of paper with your name or picture and, of course. the "greats" as well.  Drubby got such a kick out of seeing Joshua and Caleb as babies and Emily, he kept going back to the picture of you in the I DO magazine and the Lipscomb booklet.  He wanted to know how you were selected.  I said it was because you were so pretty and he said that probably was right. I packed up several armfuls and came home. 

Daddy and I enjoyed going through them and I have separated them into piles for you.  Please continue to send him things, but he was getting so confused I think it was better to remove most of the "older" items and let him keep the new ones.  He does enjoy getting mail and he reads and re-reads all the cards and really enjoys handling the pictures rather than seeing them on the computer. 

We also started on some family pics from "back in the day."  As you know, Drubby wanted more than anything to be a professional photographer so he took a lot of pictures.  I am going to go sort through these and give him a few at a time to enjoy.  It really was emotional as I saw so many people that shaped my life, but that are no longer with us.  Some of these I can remember as clear as day, but you never knew them.  That will be what it is like for you and your children as well. 

Of course memories of Net are still so fresh and I was awake most of the night with my thoughts and tears.  Whenever things get hard in your life and you are perhaps feeling lonely, please remember there was a lady (other than your mother) who loved the three of you more than life itself.  She was not perfect, but last night I put that aside and just grieved.  It has been so painful to physically throw away some things, but I know I can't erase what is in my heart.  

When I look in Benjamin's sweet face, I feel sad that she never got to see him,  I think she knew it was her time to pass her love to him through us.  I hope we all can draw closer through her example. 

I hope all of you have a very good day and know I love you very much.  Mom"